Was I really born? If so, how come I did not experience my birth? I had no knowledge of my own birth. I did not choose my parents either. The exact time of my conception was also not decided by my parents. I was told by my parents that I was born on so and so date.I was given a name and was told that the familiar individuals who took care of me were my parents. I did not know who I was. I only was conscious of the surrounding world without ever considering (my) body as a separate entity apart from the world that it existed. I did not question the existence of the world or for that matter the body itself. Everything was happening spontaneously and there was no "me" to question or judge anything. Slowly over the course of time, my parents and society conditioned this no-entity to believe that the body was an entity that they gave a name to. I was called by a name and when I responded to the sound, I was rewarded with a smile or a caress. Soon, I came to believe that I am the body and the thoughts and feelings belong to me. I began to see the world as separate from me. As the years passed by the conditioning only strengthened and along with it came the various judgements about everything in the world. I was told a list of things to do and not to do. I was told what was right and what was wrong based on my parents and society expectations.
Over the years this same psycho-somatic entity that I called "me" assumed various identities. I was initially a little boy, then a student, then a college graduate, then an employed worker, then a husband and later a father. Along with all of these changing identities, came the physical changes in the body and the mind, which I called my body and my mind. I identified myself with this body and mind and suffered along with it. I associated myself with the various thoughts, feelings, expressions as my own. Because of my feeling of separation from the world outside, I had fear of the world and wanted the world to conform to my conditioned and narrow definitions of good and bad. When things did not happen the way, I wanted them to happen, I suffered from anxiety and anguish. I somehow felt that I should be able to control the surrounding environment to my liking and thereby avoid any psychological pain. But despite all my efforts the world still produced surprises sometimes to my pleasure and sometimes bringing me pain and sorrow. I accepted these changing identities without ever questioning as to which one of these various identities is the real me. The real should never change. But, I could easily confirm my changing physical appearance, my feelings, thoughts, emotions, senses and physiological processes. I also was under the belief that what is perceivable to the senses is real. So, who was the real me? The student, the worker, the husband, the father, the happy man, the sad man, the anxious man, the upset man, the smiling man, the angry man? Who could I call the real me, the one who has remained unchanged all through these 40 odd years?
Upon investigation guided by my inner Guru, the Sadguru in all of us, the answers appeared spontaneously. The first clarity came that there is actually no entity called "me". In fact, all along, I had falsely assumed that the body and mind were me. The only unchanging fact throughout the 40 odd years was the sense of existence or the "I am". Undeniably, I always knew that I existed. This Knowledge remained unchanged always. Somewhere around 18 months or 2 years of age, I came to know I am. Since, then the sense of I am never left. It was the additional identities that were added to the I am, which kept on changing. First, I am a student. Later, I am a college graduate. Later, I am a employed worker. Later, I am a husband. In all of these assumed identities, the unchanging was the I am. Therefore, I am that by which I know I am. Or to put it bluntly, I am that I am. I am not this or that but just the I am.
So, where did this I am come from. I did not invite it. It came spontaneously to me. Surely, I was there before the knowledge of I am came to me. Who was I then? What was my identity in the womb? What was my identity even prior to that?
